Hope

I wrote this poem the other night after finishing Losing Hope. I wasn’t lying when I said that book literally changed my life. I’m sure if you go back to the last poem that I wrote, you can most likely put two and two together. This one isn’t quite as good, I don’t think, but I really like it because of how genuinely I felt this when I wrote it.

HOPE

Today I realized something.

I guess you could call it a revelation,

Because I’ve been waiting for it for five years.

I waited for hope.

I’ve been waiting for that moment

When I simply didn’t care about you anymore.

I’ve waited so long to be able to remember

Without a sickening heartache that tortures me alive

So much so that I wish I couldn’t feel anything.

And for five years,

I haven’t.

I haven’t felt a thing.

Not since the night that I screamed and begged that you’d come back to me.

The night that my heart broke because I realized I was truly alone.

I’ve locked everyone out of this self imposed tomb

Because I thought that’s what I had to do.

At first I thought you would come back,

That you’d realize the error of your ways,

Or that I would learn to fix mine.

You didn’t let me be myself.

I can’t believe I’ve been punishing myself for all this time.

I remember the first time after you that someone tried to break down the wall.

Because he thought I was like everyone else.

I wasn’t. My heart wasn’t in it. I wasn’t there. I was gone. An empty shell.

I shut everyone out, because of you.

I tortured myself, because of you.

I thought it was my fault.

It wasn’t.

And I’m done.

I’m going to run again.

I’m going to fly again.

I’m going to be sunshine again, but not your sunshine.

I’m going to let the walls fall down.

I’m going to love someone more than I ever loved you.

Because I can.

Because I’m free.